


don't wanna feel blue anymore

by space_dev



Series: it isn't fair and it isn't right (to lead you on like it's alright) [4]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Character Death Fix, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Having a bit of trouble with POV in this, Head Injury, Major Character Injury, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Minor Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla, Parental Hera Syndulla, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post Episode: s3 e1 Steps Into Shadows, Really Fucking Proud of This, That's Not How The Force Works, near-death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 05:33:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14687529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_dev/pseuds/space_dev
Summary: Ezra's in a tug-o-war between death and life, and he doesn't even know which one he wants to follow.





	don't wanna feel blue anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Blue by Marina & The Diamonds, which is a bit too lighthearted for this fic, so listen to I'm A Ruin while you're reading this instead, then when you're done, listen to Blue.

it was dark.

 

dark, yet he felt sabine's warmth against him.

he wasn't sure where he was, but he knew he wasn't dead yet.

 

wherever it was, it was hard to think here, hard to breathe, hard to hear, like he was underwater, but easy to feel the feelings and heat from everyone around him.

 

sabine, clinging to him desperately, warming him up with her body heat, her face on ezra's shoulder, her hands clinging desperately to his thin little hospital gown, silently begging him not to go, silently taking back the words she'd said a thousand times over, asking herself _why_ she'd told him to go to _sleep, go to sleep._

 

he didn't like to intrude in minds, especially those of non force-sensitives, but this information was _pouring_ into his mind in this place.

 

he felt and hera and sabine flanking him on the medbay bed, kanan by his feet, hera forgiving him in her head a million times, _wishing_ that this hadn't happened, desperately hoping it was a dream and _actively trying to wake herself up,_ though she knew it was real

 

and kanan was bewildered, slowly finding out what ezra had been feeling the past six months, feeling the emotions all pent up flowing out from his shields that'd long collapsed, which probably explained the flow of emotion from everyone else, but not explaining what happened to the bond.

 

the bed was designed for species up and over zeb's size, yet his family had mostly filled it, enough so that zeb couldn't fit, enough so that the only bit of zeb he felt was his warm, furry paw on his own cold, cold hand.

 

ahsoka.

 

despite everything he felt from those around him, he thought about ahsoka, despite the fact that it was getting harder and harder to feel warmth or feelings or even _think._

 

but somehow, his not dead mind brought up painful thoughts, memories.

 

ahsoka, dead, _dead,_ because of his failure.

 

 _ ~~do i deserve to die~~_ ~~~~_of course i deserve to die, if not for ashoka's life, for kanan's sight._

 

flashes of ahsoka around his eyes, his eyes that see _perfectly,_ that weren't marked up forever like kanan's.

 

he registered feelings being pushed at him, swirling with his own.

 

some from kanan through the bond, but they were muted to him, he couldn't fully grasp what kanan was sending, he wished he could.

 

most of the rest were his own, fear, sadness, wondering, _guilt, numbness, defeat._

 

 but the rest, pushed at him not from bond or hormones, but filling him up, willing him away from this land, as if he was going deeper underwater, drowning, as his lungs brought in less and less air. 

 

 

**I am living, I am alive, I'm gonna get you out of here so that you will live as well.**

 

 

 

a hollow feeling he vaugely recognised as his own creation reacts strongly, straining against this feeling's, this _voice's,_ grasp, dragging ezra deeper into the place, towards the pitch black place he knew as death, to the point of almost no breathing, nothing but emptiness and darkness and _nothing but his life swirling around him yet dark, so dark_.

 

ezra himself didn't know whether he wanted to follow the foreign feeling, or follow the hollow, terrible feeling of numbness and guilt, so much guilt, that'd haunted him ever since malachor.

 

malachor.

 

it really was a pretty name, but also mysterious, he wasn't sure if he liked it.

 

he might've liked it more if kanan wasn't blind, if ahsoka wasn't dead-

 

 

**Ezra, I am not dead. I am alive, and waiting for my time to be rescued from the planet.**

 

 

Not dead?

 

he found himself floating more towards the light, towards warmth and safety and _forgiveness and love and breath and_

 

 _no, ahsoka is dead, you_ saw _the temple explode with your own eyes-_

 

 **Ezra, I can't keep pulling forever. Think of Kanan, Hera, Zeb, Sabine, even Chopper. Do they want you to die?**  

 

no, definitely not, he can faintly feel a damp spot on his shoulder, near Sabine's head, he knows it to be tears, all the proof he needs but 

 

he also feels Kanan's emotions rumbling around in sadness, in defeat, in _i wish i wish i should've's_ that he _knows_ the feeling of, he was haunted by them so _long,_ he still _is._

 

**Ezra! Pick a side: Death, or life! You're only sixteen, _do you want to die_ now? Think of the Empire! The officers and troopers on the station will be called heroes, martyrs, and you'll be remembered in the books as the _enemy._ That's the legacy you want?**

 

he shuts his eyes and tries to focus; its hard here, too dark, he doesn't like it doesn't like it doesn't 

 

He pushes away the hollow feeling that was still _relentlessly_ nagging him, telling him to D I E because _everyone will be happier that way, you'll making many people's lives better_ and grabs onto the bold text, grabs hold to Ahsoka's hand through the darkness, letting it, letting _her_ pull him out of the place, the void, the place he knew would haunt his dreams, but at _least_ he was _alive, he was going to_ live.

 

He faintly heard beeping, hears exclaimations of his vital signs are improving, Hera!! and a sigh of relief in bold, and then he's pulled under to someplace warm, and dark yet not hopelessly dark, the twilight that he knows isn't the place he just left, but the pull of natural unconsciousness that he knows means that **_He's going to be alright._**

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 2 AM, came back to it today and decided it was worth posting. This is probably the last work in this series, and now that it's complete, I can actually start a certain multi-chapter fic. 
> 
> Also, I'm jumping ship from Sabezra except in Vi Ganar Vercopaanir, and joining sides with the Filoni-led Sabine/Ezra Platonic Love group. Vi Ganar Vercopaanir may or may not get more Sabezra content, depending on where I go with the series. But otherwise, jumping ship from Sabezra.
> 
> Edit as of 10/07/18- I just want to say that this is my favourite work in this series, but it's gotten hardly any attention. Why? I suspect that it's because I jumped from Sabezra. You guys are COLD. (not you Mickey you're cool and AngstAndWhump you're cool too even though those children you're raising are gonna be v troubled)


End file.
